Friday, April 07, 2006

I am a complete idiot.

Last night I made a decision to sell all my armor and put the money from that into the new bird store my wife and I are starting as start up cash. In so doing this, I am going from “not going to SCA events any more” to “I’m no longer a SCAdian. Period.”

This made me quite melancholy for I have been in the SCA my entire adult life. I look at my armor, which means a lot to me, and the thought of selling it hits me in the heart. My beautiful helm is the first thing I will miss the most. I almost want to keep it as a piece of art to hang on my mantle. My Stainless coif, took me hours to make. Last, my Bedford basket hilt, I’m prideful of just having one.The other side of that is that I kinda looked at my SCA experience over the past 16 years, and I tried to balance the good and the bad from it.

What did I gain?

How did it hurt me?

What good did I do?

I will admit I had lots of fun, especially in the early days, but there is a lot of pressure in the SCA to “achieve”, depending on what groups you associate with. The desire to be a peer (especially a knight), and the pressure to be a better person as is defined by the society (which is really odd… Chivalry in the SCA is mostly like chivalry in the Middle Ages – lots of ideas to strive for, but those ideals do not reflect the underlying realities of how most people are). The pressure to help out above and beyond, and to be a competent leader or organizer.

Not all of this was bad. But there is a lot that wasn’t very good either.

Fighting was great… I loved it… but it was tainted by the whole “you got to put aside everything and achieve knighthood.” At some point it was drilled in my head I had to beat everyone I fight to get ahead. It was not till about the last few months I was in, under the tutelage of Martin that I realized that was all crap. I didn’t have to beat everyone I fought. I just had to fight well, and beat myself. The person I was fighting and how good they were really didn’t matter.

Singing was great. Again it was tainted by that pressure to achieve. You got to be a Laurel, and to do that, you have to be better then everyone else at what you are doing, and conform to our standards. You know what? I’m a folk singer. That is that. My path was blazoned by my father, and it is who I am. I am not a medieval music scholar. I sing my songs to make people feel, and well, sometimes, I’m damn good at that. I was steered (mostly willingly) down the laurel path, and now I am one. Now it seems very hollow.

Some of the camaraderie and partying was very good.

The SCA taught me that I should be a lion, and now I think being humble and anonymous is much better.

The SCA taught me that I should give my all for the society and my kingdom, now I think that there are greater goals to serve in real life (wildlife conservation and bird rescue in my case)The SCA had me travel up and down the east coast, but I never really got to see it. (Byram and I tried to change that once, and failed after a few good tries).

The SCA taught me great organizational skills in certain situations. Boy do I know how to go camping in style!

There is a lot I look back at with some pride, and some regret.

One of the biggest regrets is about not leaving sooner. I look at what I am doing now, and wish I could have started it much earlier.

The greatest recognition scroll I have ever gotten was from the Cheetah Conservation Fund, for helping rescue those cubs in Ethiopia, thanking me for my (very small) efforts.

My greatest feeling of accomplishment is not from any achievement in the SCA, but from taking a poor miserable animal, almost at death’s door, and helping to bring it back to a joyful life.

My greatest job was not running an SCA event, but counting tortoise burrows, so that they can get more protection from the government.

Am I happier now then I was then? In some ways, I am not. In many ways I am. What I can tell you is that I have more inner peace on most levels. I have the time to enjoy nature and see manatees and dolphins in the wild on my Kayak. And this is so freaking narcissistic it’s ridiculous. But at least it’s a record.

Monday, April 03, 2006

An nescis, quantilla sapientia mundus regatur?

And yet here we are…

Last few weeks have burned by very quickly. Weekend before last we counted more Tortoise Burrows and this weekend was shopping, errands and well, more shopping and errands. Something was wrong with my ankle, so I felt tromping around in the bush looking for holes in the ground would be likely hazardous. Especially for my tendency of finding them that includes falling into them (not really… just found one that way and ended up eating sand for it.) The hurting feet inspired me to get some new shoes and inserts, which feel very nice.

So much to do! This month includes going to Denver for Phoenix’s brothers wedding (which Phoenix suddenly came up with the money for), going to Perdido to see the Larcey side of life, and sell all these baby birds we have.

Watched several movies on DVD this weekend, The Parrots of Telegraph hill, which made Phoenix and I cry, then The Corpse bride, which was very sweet if not a little strange, and watched at the end of it all, Grey’s Anatomy, which I like very much (but not as much as House, but more then Bones).

This weekend? Plan to Kayak out by Blue Springs or Callilista Creek. Wanna fish, but got to get a license to do it from the Kayak. Then out to count more turtles.